This is where an upcoming interview will reside, but I can't put it here until it's actually published. Sorry!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Tomorrow Zach and I are meeting to analyze the 'results' of our relationship experiment. We will look at it from both a sociological and cultural context. We have already begun a series of recordings reflecting back on the project, but I feel that it's necessary to delve into it from more of an academic standpoint. It's still not clear to us what form this project will take as he is still working on his writing and I am working on editing the images to send out to galleries, etc.
The other day he mentioned a related project that would be an extension of this concept but not involve us directly. I don't want to get into too much detail here, lest there be idea stealers reading. I do think the idea has potential after-all.
Now is the transition point in our real relationship as collaborators and so on. We still seems to feel the need to hang out and 'do something' related to the project. When we spend time outside of the project and see people, they still assume that we are IN it. I don't forever more want to be known as Zach's conceptual ex-wife. It makes me feel like I AM the character and not myself which must be something akin to being an actor and being called by your character's name in public.
I am still trying to remove myself for the intensity of the project and feel a little post-creative-powerhouse-mode let down. I think it's fair to say that this is not an emotional reaction to the conceptual split, but an actual hole left from a very exciting project in my life.
Posted by Ellie Brown at 3:58 PM
Monday, April 27, 2009
Okay, closing the story with this image. I will most definitely be posting out takes from the capsule relationship as time goes on because I can't just leave it alone.
There will also be a lot more writing to come and talk of presentation and editing.
Posted by Ellie Brown at 9:10 AM
I am leaving for my job in Spain and leaving Zach behind to care for the baby. There is a really strong conflict between me needing to leave/ feeling guilty about leaving and him being very angry with me for leaving but also really wanting me to stay.
The photos are in reverse order.
Posted by Ellie Brown at 8:47 AM
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The relationship is actually over but neither of us feel like it is real or feel any real sense of closure. Tomorrow I will sort through the zillions of photos I took of us separating, me leaving, the custody situation and Zach as a single dad. I don't think that will make it feel more over either. Today we also recorded audio about how we feel about the project and our different expectations, etc. I think it's a really interesting 30 minute conversation which I would like to include in some future presentation of the project, but it still doesn't feel over. Maybe we are just too nice to each other and too close in our real life relationship to have really gotten into the awful feeling of the separation and the end. Maybe if we had really duked it out it would feel more final. We fought half-heartedly here and there but it wasn't enough to really get me upset or actually emotionally affected by it. I know that I did not want to be emotionally affected by the end, but I DO want to feel the end. Closure beyond the photographs seems important. I am at a loss right now. Maybe when this week goes on and I have nothing to plan or photograph I'll start to feel the void. Maybe I'm just in the denial stage right now.
Posted by Ellie Brown at 10:06 PM
Friday, April 24, 2009
I feel utterly reluctant to bring this project to an end, but I knew it was ending before it began. There is no surprise here, it was written in the script. I think I am just involved with it so deeply that it's going to be hard to leave it behind. What will I do with all of my creative brain power after it is done? Ha.
Will I miss planning and preparing? Yes. I might even miss the uncomfortable parts where the real and the conceptual crossed over. I will also oddly miss calling Zach my husband. Though he and I will continue to work on polishing the presentation of this project, it won't be quite the same.
So....tomorrow is day nine which may be the last day or we may make it an even ten. Either way, this IS the end.
The story is that I've been resenting baby Wren and my unwilling attachment to him as his mother. The pressure was getting to be too much and Zach and I were bickering a lot. I wasn't making any progress in my career and when I was offered a professorship in Spain, I decided to take it as a break from the situation at home. This is where we will pick up; me leaving the husband and baby to go to Spain.
Posted by Ellie Brown at 3:26 PM
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Day eight in a seven day relationship; we think there are just two more to go but sorting out the details is proving to be really difficult. How does one talk about staging a divorce? We have ideas but differ on the post-divorce ending. It will be interesting to see how it unfolds.
In short, (in character), the baby was NOT something I wanted but I had it anyways. As I'd mentioned before, the baby Wren was draining me in ways I never expected and left me only as his mom, not as Ellie the artist. He was always needing something leaving me no time for anything. Yes, I tried to sleep when he slept but I still could not do things like work on my art or look for a job. This baby is driving a wedge between Zach and I. I don't feel like I'm getting the support I need from him and he's feeling really possessive about his time with the baby. Maybe I am too, though secretly I wish Zach was able to just care for Wren on his own. Zach and I haven't had an adult conversation about anything besides the baby in forever. This is not why I married him.
Now to write out of character: There was actual tension between Zach and I in spending the day with the baby. He even at one point tried to goad me into a fight, but I didn't engage (though that just ended in a staring contest and me laughing). It's hard to actually fight because we are not there in real life, but it is easy to feel the tension a baby might bring between us.
Posted by Ellie Brown at 9:30 AM