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Film+Love+Conceptual

I just watched Paper Heart with Charlyne Yi and Michael Cera. It's a documentary about her quest for love and focusing on their real-life relationship. Two major things came to mind while watching it.

One was the intense discomfort Michael Cera felt having his relationship under the scrutiny of the camera. I understood that emotion directly.

Secondly I was struck by the fact that Charlyne felt that she was supposed to feel love for Michael and she didn't which caused an enormous amount of guilt. It's like she felt a draw towards social scripting with a sense that love was something she was supposed to be feeling and she couldn't find her place in the script. She was talking to so many people in the film who did follow the love script and it seems to me as if it further implanted the idea that love was something she was supposed to be experiencing. I am struck by how she felt that she failed by not finding love when she felt it was supposed to happen.

I don't see their relationship as being conceptual but I do see it as being scripted, so I wonder if there is any difference between the two? These two are most definitely less accessible than Susan and Arin, but perhaps I'll reach out to one or both of them as well.

See the film and let me know what you think.

Thank you, again

Thank you to Carolyn at Arcadia for having me as a guest in her class.

Thank you for Shelly at UArts for the same.

Thank you to Arin and Susan for being an amazing source of inspiration and conversation.

Over and out.

Dreams

I often have dreams about people I am no longer in touch with because it is literally the only way I can communicate with them. In the case of Zach, I had one that was very close to reality. We were flying somewhere to talk about the project. He moved his seat from next to me to another seat across the aisle. It was at that moment I knew something was wrong and started peppering him with questions. It came out that there was a woman named Alice or Allison and he was moving to be with her and didn't want to work on the project anymore. It was at that point I fired him from the project (again). This scenario in my dream only echoes what happened in real life three months ago.

I think this appeared in my dream because I am about to speak in public about the project again next week. I haven't spoken in public about the project since Zach and I had our falling out and ceased communication. I am grappling with how exactly to talk about the project since the context of it has changed so much since my last talk in July where he was just away and I was just missing him.

I'd like to thank Arin Cromley of Four Eyed Monsters for an insightful comment he made to me in regards to conceptual relationships.

"Conceptual relationships are fun. Real relationships are good too. In a way there is no such thing as a relationship that isn't real, because what ever one might do for a conceptual relationship, they really are doing it, and then there really is a real relationship there."

really, go see this film

Please watch the video podcasts if you had any interest in the project that Zach and I did. Arin and Susan had a different kind of conceptual relationship which lasted far longer and was more thoroughly documented, but I see many parallels between the creation of a creative project within the confines of a relationship and the blurred lines between the two. I also see a connection between the strife and emotional hardship it creates. Please check it out! These two are my heroes of the week!

A film falling under the category of a 'conceptual relationship'

Four Eyed Monsters, 2005

I am surprised I had never heard of or seen this film before. I am really enjoying the dedication to the concept of the non-verbal relationship the two people made.

CAPSULE relationship talk at Arcadia University

Department of Sociology, Anthropology and Criminal Justice

Arcardia University, Philadelphia, PA

Monday, December 7, 2009

7:00 PM

This event will feature Ellie Brown discussing the capsule relationship and the long and short term effects it had.

Numero 9: Plateform Magazine in French

Numero 9

Shared via AddThis

Post 101

It's funny that the 101st post is actually the start of a new era for the project. The 100s will be about the epilogue. They will address Zach's abandonment of the project and our relationship. The epilogue is about what happens when all relationships end and the bitterness, blame, regret and pain they almost always seem to encompass.

I am in full possession of the project and the route it takes now. There was so much time and work spent on the project, I refuse to abandon it. I want it to fly. At the same time, it's a constant reminder of something sweet that was left out to rot. Does anyone really want to go around promoting a book about yourself and an ex? Probably not. This is my current dilemma, but I think that the solution will be to talk about everything from now on. That is, from me answering the craigslist advertisement to the final phone call. It's now all sealed as part of the conceptual story turned real.

Two things are ringing in my head right now. One was Zach speaking in the audio from day nine about how someday we really will be seeing each other for the last time and how when that day arrived, I didn't know IT was the day. The very last thing I did on that day was hand him a copy of the book.

The other thing was how he was always unsettled about how we never had a real ending or real fighting in the conceptual relationship and now we switched to the real life goodbye which ironically has more fighting than either of us would ever have wished for and a real final goodbye. I guess the moral of the story is to watch what you wish for.

This ending is not surprising, but still heartbreakingly sad.

I wish Zach luck finding what it is he is looking for. I am looking forward to the new life of the project without him.

Video Pt. 3

Thank you First Person Arts for posting this video!

Video Pt. 2

From the First Person Arts Salon, July 8th 2009

The video is in three parts. Watch part 2 here.

Still Waiting

That is, I am still waiting for the publications to come out in Burn magazine and Plateform magazine. First Person Arts Salon also has to post pt. 2 of the video on you tube. Patience is a virtue I hear.

For any future inquiries, I have taken over the project and will be the sole contact and exhibitor.

Everyone, give Zach a warm goodbye!

Maybe this relates in a distant sort of way

Fatebook during the pafringe festival.

Where the virtual world spills out into the real.

As the Kinks sang.....

So tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for yoooouuuuu.

Anaisa Nin from Seduction of the Minotaur (on scripting)

"We may seem to forget a person, a place, a state of being, a past life, but meanwhile what we are doing is selecting a new cast for the reproduction of the same drama, seeking the closest reproduction of the same drama, seeking, the closest reproduction of the same drama, seeking the closest reproduction to the friend, the lover, or the husband we are striving to forget. And one day we open our eyes, and there we are caught in the same pattern repeating the same story."

Video Pt. 1

It's not as horrifying as I thought it would be. Stay tuned for part 2.

Video

I am expecting video from my First Person Arts Salon presentation to be posted tomorrow. I cringe to watch myself speak, but you may enjoy it (especially if you could not be there).

One month

Zach left one month ago and I have not heard a peep from him. Granted, he is in the woods, I find it hard to imagine that there is no access to mail, landline or a trip into town to call or email.

This I suppose reinforces his original intent to END the capsule relationship when it was supposed to end. Perhaps this is his way of finding closure to the project.

Maybe one of these days he'll get in touch and comment back about this.

In the meantime, his presence is still sorely missed.

I am carrying on crafting new opportunities for the project which I suppose has a life of its own now and does not need him to help carry it.

A different kind of Capsule experience

A man who lived on a plane for a month.

I think I am going to keep collecting examples of other types of capsule experiences here.

This website sort of amuses me

It's taking my own private viewpoints on not having children to a whole new level. Excessive?

Thank you First Person Arts Salon

Last night was my talk about the the project; the first public talk. I was nervous about how I was going to encompass such a huge project in 20 minutes, but it seemed to go well and also was well received. I thank all of you who were there and asked interesting questions.

I realized a few things. One is that the project is really strongly represented live because of it's anecdotal nature. The second is that Zach should have been there, period. Thirdly, I realized how very vulnerable I am talking about something so personal in public.

Here were some comments that were good, bad, funny, thought provoking:

-Have you talked to actors about how they keep themselves separated?

-How do you separate the art from life and documentary?

-You've been through a lot: do you need help?

-Would you consider making this into something like Tony and Tina's wedding? (NO WAY)

-Where did the baby go?

-Is Zach coming back and are you two going to continue the alternate ending?

-Do you often do projects of a performative nature like this?

......there were more great responses and a lot of people who seemed to be touched by the project. I know I am.

Kids are doing conceptual relationships too

This was a funny story.

Thank you for recognizing me

This is for the nice lady working at Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction yesterday.

She told me of a story about a girl in her high school who went to school everyday pretending to be pregnant. Evidently she kept getting bigger and bigger until her religious family found out, contacted the administration and told her to stop. This is an amazing conceptual statement for a high school girl to make and I applaud her gumption for going forth with the project. I had a hard time with one day! I need to do a little research, because apparently this girl was on MTV.

The Fist Person Arts Salon is coming up on Wed. so I hope to see you there. Also, don't forget that I can sign a brand spanking new copy of the book for you!

Signed books at First Person Arts

Just to let you know, I will have five softcover signed books for $35 at the First Person Arts Salon. These are a limited edition of five.

You again, can also order your own at blurb.com

I am partial to the hardcover myself.

See you next week!

If you are in Philadelphia, please come to this!

First Person Arts Salon, July 8th 7:30-9:30pm

Click the link for details

strange aftermath

Zach's absence is sorely noted every time I promote the project, talk about the project or look at the project.

A rather odd residual effect came today when the topic of dating came up online with a stranger who had viewed the project. It seems he didn't look at it very closely because he had the impression that my mode of operating romantically was within a capsule relationship. It was neither intelligent nor humorous on his part to make such a blanket statement or assumption.

Am I forever branded with a scarlet "C" for doing this project?

The Book!

Ten Days in th...

By Ellie Brown and Z...

Book Preview

Today is the real ending.

Today is the day I really say goodbye to Zach as he leaves for camp and a summer without contact. I am heavy with sadness.

This means that I will be dealing with the project alone from this point on. Look forward to:

July 8th: Me speaking about the project at the First Person Arts Salon in Philadelphia

July: The publication of our book on blub.com

July: Publication in Plateform and Burn magazines (hopefully I have the timeline correct here). 

Beyond: Possible exhibitions of the photography and audio and venues tba.

 Zach's writing on the project, which as yet to be seen will be debuted in the published book. 

I don't regret getting so emotionally involved in the project, but boy, this hurts.

timeline update

The book will be available on blurb.com in two weeks. Please stay tuned for details.

It will be called: Ten Days in the Capsule.

Audio Day Ten: The End

Day Ten THE END audio

Audio Day Nine: Separation

Audio Day Nine: Separation

Audio Day Eight: The Baby

Audio Day Eight: The Baby

Audio Day Seven: Pregnancy

Audio Day Seven: Pregnancy

Audio Day Six: The Domestics

Audio Day Six: The Domestics

Audio Day Five: Wedding and Honeymoon

Audio Day Five: Wedding and Honeymoon

Audio Day Four: The Parties

Audio Day Four: The Parties

Audio Day Three: Love

Day Three: Love

Day One Audio

Download Ellie Brown and Zach Webber - Day One The Meeting

current events

In the next day or two I will finish uploading all of the audio representing each of the days. The book will be uploaded and for sale on blurb.com in a matter of weeks. Stay tuned. 

To come completely clean about the project, Zach and I did become involved around the time of the honeymoon and had been navigating both a real and a conceptual relationship at the same time. When the conceptual relationship ended, the real one became more difficult because there was no script to follow and it was just me as me and him as him. There was often confusion around making decisions between the balance of the workload and our real-life relationship. Now that he is leaving and frantically trying to finish his writing for this project and other things, there is no more room in his life for the real relationship. What is ironic to me is that in the script, I am the one who leaves town and in real life it is he. 

I am quite sad that our real relationship had to end in such a weighty and sudden manner. What did I learn from this? Don't pretend to be intimate with someone for the sake of art because real intimacy may get in the way of the work. No, I don't regret getting personally involved at all and I do think it made our scripted relationship more believable. The problem lies with  separating the work from the personal. For example, now that it's over I have to proceed with any future presentation of the project (including the book) on my own. I don't have Zach's writing and don't know if I ever will. 

Normally when one ends a relationship, there is not a long trail of writing, audio and photographs documenting time together. This is not the case here and for now, these are all sad reminders of what we created and who we were together. 

This is audio from Day Two

Download Ellie Brown/ Zach Webber - Day Two First Date

nocommercialvalue.org

Check this out!

upcoming....

Burn Magazine online

nocommercialvalue.org

First Person Arts Salon in Philadelphia

Podcasts

The book!

......and who knows what else........

The Real Ending

The time for the real ending of the project is coming up quickly. This is not the ending of the capsule relationship w which already occurred and felt a bit anti-climatic and unresolved, but the ending of a real and working relationship. Because Zach is going away for the summer and has plans that don't sound like staying within proximity of me in the fall, it seems as if our working relationship is finished. 

I certainly cannot collaborate with someone who doesn't even have phone or internet for two months this summer!

This is very sad to me because I did (and still do) have grand plans for the project and now I feel that they are squelched because of his absence. I don't feel comfortable taking on the entire project on my own, though at times, I may have to and have already.

I am also losing contact with my friend and partner.  This to me is a much bigger loss then the capsule relationship ending. It's going to be a huge re-adjustment to get used a life without him to talk to, plan, work with and hang out with, especially since we've met it's been a constant and intense period of time together. 

We learned that by playing a relationship, we actually formed a relationship to both of our surprise.

I am giving this ending a thumbs down.

A Quote from the artist Susan Miller

This is FIVE from "Ten Months"

"She now understands that it is perfectly possible to forget who one has been and what one has accomplished. 

Continuing the piece requires great effort. It is her voice. It is her body. It is painful being inside and outside simultaneously." 

I couldn't have said it better myself.

The interview is up!

Thank you to Mandy from Flavorwire.

Phase two, finished

We have finished recording our audio impressions of the project and I am hoping we can have them up for public listening in the next week or two. 

The audio is a really nice supplement to the blog and photos because we are talking about expectations, things that occurred, feedback and our own emotional involvement. I am really looking forward to having the audio become absorbed into the whole of the project. 

Now we are working on putting a book together with the photographs, my writing and Zach's writing. This seems like it may indeed be the final product of the project since Zach is going away and I'm not sure that I want to take on what was a collaborative project myself. This may change or course, but for now the book is the thing. 

It is really hard to have such  high hopes and ambitions for a project and then realize that they may not be entirely possible due to life situations. As an artist, that is a bitter pill to swallow. 

to reveal

The point of conversation between Zach and I now is primarily revolving around how much to reveal about the depth of the project and its impact and our personal lives. It has totally turned around the way in which I have been considering this project. Now I see that it IS necessary to include personal information in order to talk about the project honestly and show the road that it went down due to some significant outside factors. I think that these facts put the project in a whole new framework and though it may not be ideal or comfortable for us, we need to address all of the factors involved. Yes, I'm being vague....until I figure out how to write about things in an intelligent and graceful manner. I am happy that this river isn't a shallow one. 

An influential image for me

When I shot the final picture of Zach and I in the relationship, I had Ingmar Bergman's Persona on my mind. There were so many shots that have stuck in my mind, even though I haven't seen the film in years and years. I think I should take the time to re-watch it now and see if the images are as I remember them. 

in love with love

Now that the project is over officially, more feedback is starting to roll in. It is something that I really appreciate hearing and actually want to hear more of if you care to share.

I had a very interesting conversation yesterday with a woman who has been following this project since the very beginning and had expressed concern for my emotional well-being in terms of being to separate the fictional from the real because I am not an actor. We discussed how real feelings could evolve out of a fictional situation like a capsule relationship because of the simulation of the real. In her mind, it has to do with the feelings of loving to be in love and having the satisfaction of someone mirroring you and your behavior. This is something that I hadn't thought about before. That Zach and I get along in real life and therefore it was easy to slip into acting out the feelings of love; especially on the third day in the park with the marriage proposal. Being loved fictionally induced real feelings that I wouldn't label as 'love' per se but are more akin to warmth and caring. It's so interesting to me how that if Zach and I had met in real life under real circumstances, we probably wouldn't have formed such a close bond and it's ironic that in playing out the feelings of a real relationship conceptually, we developed actual caring towards the other person. I wonder if under a tight scrutiny, if we somehow started to become the very thing that we were looking at critically in the project?

I love analyzing the complexity of this!

minor celebrity

I love when Zach and I go out into public together and either of us are recognized through the project. On the receiving end of that, I still feel weird being identified as his conceptual ex-wife and not me, Ellie Brown the artist. (I guess that was the whole problem in the conceptual relationship to begin with; the loss of my personal identity into that of wife and mother). Point taken. 

I think Zach doesn't mind being recognized as part of the project as much, but on the other hand he doesn't like his real persona to be as public as I'm used to having mine being. It's becoming an interesting dynamic. Hopefully we'll go back to being Zach and Ellie as people, not characters in a conceptual relationship, though if we pick up more press and exhibits, we may forever be stuck in these roles. 

We've started recording our analysis of each day which I would like turned into podcasts. I'll keep info on that posted here. I think the interviews will be a nice addition to the written and visual aspects of the project. Would you subscribe to our podcasts? Yes!

I'm a little apprehensive about Zach going away for the summer to work and leaving me to bear the work load of whatever opportunities may arise for the project. It's not something that we anticipated when we began the whole thing.

answers to an interview

This is where an upcoming interview will reside, but I can't put it here until it's actually published. Sorry!

more comments

*.............. said...

The thing that's missing is weeping. Somewhere, at some point, even in angry or combative public displays (which also seem to be normative for separations, etc), there is weeping by at least one party. Weeping and utter heartbreak...

April 27, 2009 10:05 AM 

Ellie Brown said...

You're right though I was trying to stay away from cliche. We talked about crying and I tried to shoot photos of myself crying but they just looked stupid.

April 29, 2009 12:55 PM 

*Ellie Brown It's the end!

*............. at 9:58am April 27

Wow, Ellie! This is awesome.

 Ellie Brown at 7:58am April 28

Thanks all!

*............... at 11:08am April 29

Well Done Ms. Brown!!! Didn't get to read the blog, but the photos speak for themselves. Volumes!

Ellie Brown Busy weekend: Separation, Divorce, Child Custody, Done. Photos up tomorrow.

Sun 10:04pm · Comment · Like

*................... at 8:18am April 27

if real life only want to smoothly...

*................ Ellie! Just checked out Baby Day (Eight)...love the evolution of your work. 

*I just read your "The end." and as far as my own experience, you are not at the end. When  (my ex) moved out of my house, I was being civil, there was no physical contact between us, but I helped her work on her new house and her and I were very nice to each other. It took about a month or two after that for the seething hatred to come between us (and even that is an exaggeration) I do wish I had never met the woman, but I don't really hate her still. So your ending is the really the beginning of the end. You will have to dislike each other later and write about it, or not.

 

*Lol, I guess I should have prefaced this with the intent of my email, which was just to give you some insight of feelings of someone going through what you are conceptually going through, you have been trying to evaluate what you are feeling in real life and what you should be feeling in character. In any case the blog is still 1000x more fascinating than any TV show I could watch.

On Apr 27, 2009, at 7:55 AM, Ellie Brown wrote:

This is a conceptual relationship though...not a knock out real life divorce? Remember....?

We are involved as collaborators and partners in real life so it's not the same.

Photo Out Takes

These were taken with my point and shoot camera rather than my 'real' camera but I still like some of them. Here we have Zach and baby Wren, our honeymoon in Atlantic City and our first meal as a married couple at the Philly diner.

Analysis time

Tomorrow Zach and I are meeting to analyze the 'results' of our relationship experiment. We will look at it from both a sociological and cultural context. We have already begun a series of recordings reflecting back on the project, but I feel that it's necessary to delve into it from more of an academic standpoint. It's still not clear to us what form this project will take as he is still working on his writing and I am working on editing the images to send out to galleries, etc.

The other day he mentioned a related project that would be an extension of this concept but not involve us directly. I don't want to get into too much detail here, lest there be idea stealers reading. I do think the idea has potential after-all.

Now is the transition point in our real relationship as collaborators and so on. We still seems to feel the need to hang out and 'do something' related to the project. When we spend time outside of the project and see people, they still assume that we are IN it. I don't forever more want to be known as Zach's conceptual ex-wife.  It makes me feel like I AM the character and not myself which must be something akin to being an actor and being called by your character's name in public.

I am still trying to remove myself for the intensity of the project and feel a little post-creative-powerhouse-mode let down. I think it's fair to say that this is not an emotional reaction to the conceptual split, but an actual hole left from a very exciting project in my life.

Closing with this image

Okay, closing the story with this image. I will most definitely be posting out takes from the capsule relationship as time goes on because I can't just leave it alone. 

There will also be a lot more writing to come and talk of presentation and editing. 

Day Ten: The Custody Battle and the Single Dad

I return from Spain to give Zach custody of Wren and though it's cordial, there is a strong sense of residual longing and regret. 

Photos Day Nine: The Seperation

I am leaving for my job in Spain and leaving Zach behind to care for the baby. There is a really strong conflict between me needing to leave/ feeling guilty about leaving and him being very angry with me for leaving but also really wanting me to stay. 

The photos are in reverse order. 

The end.

The relationship is actually over but neither of us feel like it is real or feel any real sense of closure. Tomorrow I will sort through the zillions of photos I took of us separating, me leaving, the custody situation and Zach as a single dad.  I don't think that will make it feel more over either. Today we also recorded audio about how we feel about the project and our different expectations, etc. I think it's a really interesting 30 minute conversation which I would like to include in some future presentation of the project, but it still doesn't feel over. Maybe we are just too nice to each other and too close in our real life relationship to have really gotten into the awful feeling of the separation and the end. Maybe if we had really duked it out it would feel more final. We fought half-heartedly here and there but it wasn't enough to really get me upset or actually emotionally affected by it. I know that I did not want to be emotionally affected by the end, but I DO want to feel the end. Closure beyond the photographs seems important. I am at a loss right now. Maybe when this week goes on and I have nothing to plan or photograph I'll start to feel the void. Maybe I'm just in the denial stage right now. 

Preparing for the end: Day Nine and maybe Ten

I feel utterly reluctant to bring this project to an end, but I knew it was ending before it began. There is no surprise here, it was written in the script. I think I am just involved with it so deeply that it's going to be hard to leave it behind. What will I do with all of my creative brain power after it is done? Ha. 

Will I miss planning and preparing? Yes. I might even miss the uncomfortable parts where the real and the conceptual crossed over. I will also oddly miss calling Zach my husband. Though he and I will continue to work on polishing the presentation of this project, it won't be quite the same. 

So....tomorrow is day nine which may be the last day or we may make it an even ten. Either way, this IS the end. 

The story is that I've been resenting baby Wren and my unwilling attachment to him as his mother. The pressure was getting to be too much and Zach and I were bickering a lot. I wasn't making any progress in my career and when I was offered a professorship in Spain, I decided to take it as a break from the situation at home. This is where we will pick up; me leaving the husband and baby to go to Spain. 

about Day Eight

Day eight in a seven day relationship; we think there are just two more to go but sorting out the details is proving to be really difficult. How does one talk about staging a divorce? We have ideas but differ on the post-divorce ending. It will be interesting to see how it unfolds.

In short, (in character), the baby was NOT something I wanted but I had it anyways. As I'd mentioned before, the baby Wren was draining me in ways I never expected and left me only as his mom, not as Ellie the artist. He was always needing something leaving me no time for anything. Yes, I tried to sleep when he slept but I still could not do things like work on my art or look for a job. This baby is driving a wedge between Zach and I. I don't feel like I'm getting the support I need from him and he's feeling really possessive about his time with the baby. Maybe I am too, though secretly I wish Zach was able to just care for Wren on his own. Zach and I haven't had an adult conversation about anything besides the baby in forever. This is not why I married him. 

Now to write out of character: There was actual tension between Zach and I in spending the day with the baby. He even at one point tried to goad me into a fight, but I didn't engage (though that just ended in a staring contest and me laughing). It's hard to actually fight because we are not there in real life, but it is easy to feel the tension a baby might bring between us. 

Photos Day Eight: The Baby

comment update

*..............likes this.

*.................at 10:50am April 20

your pregnant day sounded draining and amazing.

*.............. following this project with interest! Huge Congrats - cool idea!

*really interested how it all turns out is there a prenup agreement? sounds like its going to last longer

*Today I walk around nine months pregnant for the sake of art. Eek. http://sevendayrelationship.blogspot.com

*...................... at 10:03am April 19

Yeah, but at least you don't have to puke :) hee hee

*..................... at 12:11pm April 19

or panic at the thought of something so big coming out of your tiny body any moment!

*Ellie Brown at 9:29pm April 19

Ha, wait until you see the photos tomorrow. I did have a stomach flu last week, so it was like morning sickness.

...................likes this.

*................... at 4:31pm April 16

Love this!!!!

Ellie Brown at 10:22am April 17

the conceptual bun in the oven is

 now official.

*.......................at 3:41pm April 17

do i say congratulations? conceptual conception- sounds perfect to me!

*....................... at 3:42pm April 17

just read the blog- i guess i don't say congratulations.....

 I guess i was saying what i 've been programmed to say? Again conceptual conception- great idea

*..................... at 2:38pm April 16

congratz are in order for the conceptual bun!! yay!

*Ellie Brown at 4:52pm April 17

Ha, thanks. I'm glad you had a chance to read the blog. Stay tuned....

*.................... at 12:09pm April 19

Interesting project Ellie!

* your blog is fascinating, the photos perfect.

* I just asked Zach (my real brother) 

if you had gotten married! I love the idea of the conceptual marriage and just read 

through your blogspot website. Very impressive!

April 15 at 1:35pm · 

*Ellie Brown Yeah, I am not REALLY married if you were wondering.

*April 15 at 1:29pm · Comment · Like

............. likes this.

Today is Day Eight

Maybe we have one or two more? I am really wondering what I am going to do with the void left from this project when it is over? The project is so all-encompassing that I am really anticipating a real feeling of loss when it's done. 

I know Zach has been writing about his experiences with the blurring of real and fake in our dual (real life working and conceptual) relationships. It seems that he was more wary of not keeping them more separate than I was in the beginning. The blurred lines have sometimes been confusing or caused strange tension, but I really do think it adds an important dimension to the project. I like that we can switch back an forth from character to a time out and really hash out real or conceptual feelings at any given moment. This blurriness means that we are not just actors playing house, but going through the motions and emotions of something very real. Now we have something real to write about, feel, photograph and experience. 

He brought up something else that I think is important to address, which is that we are not trying to make fun of people who choose the normative path by doing this project. My own interest is only to say 'hey, that's not for me'. Well, parts of it are for me; just not the huge white wedding and the children part. I DO want a life partner whom I would probably marry. I just don't want to be boxed into a life that is expected of me. I want to make my own path with my own rules (in conjunction with a like-minded parter). At 34, this is a lot more visceral and real to me than it may be to Zach at 26. Most everyone I know is married or in a relationship (with or without children) while most everyone he knows is single and in their mid-20s still figuring it out. This is a huge difference in how we are approaching the project as well. What we are doing conceptually, I understand in real life. For him, it may be more abstract.  I sometimes think it's odd that I am pretending to do this when everyone else my age is really doing it, but then again, isn't that the point? 

I would say that this has not been cathartic or theraputic or anything else of that sort, but rather has reminded me of how easily I fall into relationship patterns. It's also a safe way to investigate these feelings and patterns in a low-risk situation. 

Anyhow, today we play house again; this time with the baby pulling us apart. I am again, not looking forward to pushing a doll around in a stroller in my neighborhood. I already stand out enough as it is and don't need my neighbors thinking 'there's that crazy white chick again...'.

blood test today

Yes, the baby is fine. Tomorrow Zach and I will be in our new house with the baby and share some of our new lives. We had to move into a smaller place because he quit his job. This was quite untimely with the baby and all, but necessary. The blood work is just run of the mill post-natal health stuff. 

I am conceptually ambivalent as well as in real life about this baby. Tomorrow will be a trying day in our relationship and one near the end. We have spent a lot of time discussing in real life how to undo our conceptual relationship and I think no amount of planning can prepare us. I am hoping the tension comes across but that he and I can keep our real life emotions out of the conceptual part of it. I am looking forward to writing about all of the layers of complexity that have occurred throughout this project after it is finished. 

Everything is changed

If I was a woman who had just given birth to our lovely Wren, perhaps I would feel excited but more likely I'm guessing I would feel sore, tired, anxious, cranky and probably a bit depressed. It so interesting how very few women actually talk about the down side of having babies. Brook Shields did; I remember very clearly. I was glad that she spoke out about PPD. 

Why do women say they can't remember the pain of labor? Is that really true or is it a myth in place to keep women having babies?  There is nothing pleasant or easy about the process.

In my conceptual birth, I had a natural childbirth in water, 3 hours of hard labor, my husband was in the room helping me breathe and everything great...but I still didn't want to be having that child.  Now it's here and I can't sleep because it's so amazingly needy and I'm the one to feed it. I feel protective over it, but not something called love. Right now, it's a siren that won't go  off and it's dictating every move I make. This is not fun or joyful. I really resent my husband pushing the matter so I went through with the birth and now just sort of standing in the background waiting for me to give an order or request for help. I think he doesn't know how or when to help yet.  I don't want this life. I don't want to feel or behave like this. I want sleep.

Congratulations!?!

I'm in labor

Cripes!!!!!

Photos from Day Seven: Pregnancy

Day Seven: The Pregnancy

One of my questions was definitely answered today: You definitely get treated differently as a pregnant woman. People are much nicer and more polite to you. It was absolutely amazing to me that my fear of being uncovered as a fraud didn't occur and real women, women with babies and even a nurse were fooled into thinking I was actually pregnant. I am still in awe. The nurse even said to me that she could tell that I was about due because of how the baby had dropped. Ha. I got lots of compliments on how good I looked and we both got lots of thumbs up on the good job breeding. Babies apparently make people happy. 

I also found out I couldn't bend over and pick anything up with the baby on my belly. Another odd observation was that I found myself attracted to other pregnant woman like a magnet and wanted to compare my belly to theirs. I didn't want anyone touching mine and thankfully no one tried, but I think mine was too stiff compared to the real thing. I will post the photos tomorrow, but there is one with me and two other pregnant women, like we were in some secret club or something. 

I was most amused today running into two friends out and about today who are both aware of the project but still expressed some degree of surprise about seeing me pregnant. I was hoping all day to see someone I knew just to gauge their reaction. I'm pleased. 

I'm was also very pleased to take the damn thing off. I can't imagine nine months of that thing on me plus the weight of a baby sitting on my bladder. How do you ladies do it???? I'm glad I had the experience for a day and that was enough for me.

I'll write more later as I post the photos. 

Tomorrow is Day Seven

Though it is not the end as I stated before. We have to add three more days to the capsule relationship for the sake of attention to detail. My real brother wanted to know why this project wasn't done in seven consecutive days and my answer is that it would be humanly impossible to do all of the planning and detail work plus run our daily lives and do this whole project consecutively. The other answer is that we only count the days that we are together in our conceptual relationship as a day (as documented here in the blog). I somehow felt it was necessary to clarify this point.

I am really not looking forward to being paraded around with a pregnant belly tomorrow and becoming a spectacle. Who knows what sort of disasters could occur (like the belly coming loose when someone touches it or something).  I am also really NOT wanting to go baby shopping tomorrow pregnant but Zach feels it's important. This, as I've said, is a sign of things to come.

everything baby

The conversations in our relationship have shifted to being less about us and more about the incoming baby. Last night it was baby names (though we don't know the gender yet), shopping for the baby, fairness in sleep and feeding the baby, blah, blah, blah. 

I want my relationship back to being about he and I! I think I already resent this baby, not to mention this pregnancy is doing a number on my body. I am in disbelief that it is due so soon already. Tomorrow we are going to go out, probably for the last time before I give birth. I hope I can stay on my feet with the discomfort! When a woman is pregnant and then has a baby, everything becomes about the baby and the mother is almost forgotten. I refuse to be forgotten- I have a career to attend to. This whole thing is not the glowing joyous experience people make it out to be. I think it's a damn expensive inconvenience, not to mention the upcoming labor awfulness. 

Snap of our character for a moment: All of this is true, except the live baby part. We will go out tomorrow with me nine months pregnant and I am not looking forward to the humiliation of going out like that and the potential for people touching my hollow belly or having to answer a zillion times when I am due. In truth, I am just basing all of this on friends and family who have had babies and don't really know what to expect personally. Since in real life I don't want to have children, this may be the only time in my life I go out like something even resembling pregnant unless it's halloween. This IS a shift is the conversations Zach and I have already; which is preparing for baby. He and I know how the script ends, but we're not there yet and not we have this bundle of 'joy' to contend with. I mean, he didn't even realize we needed diapers!

It's always the woman who inevitably sacrifices more when a baby is born, no matter how egalitarian the couple thinks it is. Why? Pregnancy, labor and milk. 

This time is important for me personally because I do feel so strongly about NOT having children and I always have. I have also always felt resentful towards the people who choose to breed who feel it necessary to point out that their decision is the correct one and mine is the incorrect one. Why is that? Because mine does not follow the normative path. Maybe because some people do it because they feel that they are supposed to. I don't know their reasons, but it's awfully assuming of them to impose their values upon mine. I think in fact, that I am making a far more responsible and well thought out decision by NOT having children then by just doing it because I feel like I should. For me it's a political and personal act of a radical nature and I feel good about it.  (...and no, I don't just have to meet the right man first; the right man for me doesn't want children). 

The end, for now.

A Little/ Big Problem

This is my worst fear: Having a baby when I don't want one. I have known I haven't wanted to be a mother since I was twelve and this news is not making me very happy. Normally I'd have nothing to do with it, but now since I'm married, it's not my singular choice. I can't afford this, I don't want to take care of it, I don't want my body distorted because of it. I don't want to lose my freedom over it. I don't want to raise it so that it can hate me and blame me for all of its problems. There are so many reasons I haven't even touched on here. 

Zach wants it. I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just try to go with it for now and maybe everything will be okay, though I have a bad feeling about this. 

Please let this conceptual baby be something positive in our lives and not a major issue.

Day Six: The Domestics

Well, the domestic evening felt truer than we had ever anticipated.  We 'moved into' our new house. I made the bed and cleaned up while Zach went and got us some pizza since we are both sick of cooking. My stomach was feeling funny and it turned into a full-blown sickness throughout the night. After a game of scrabble and reading in bed, as we always go until one of us falls asleep, the sickness really hit me. I was up every hour all night long and my wonderful husband was (mostly) up with me to make sure I was okay. I was greeting with tea and toast in the morning. Yes, our marriage may have lost some of the initial honeymoon spark but now we find ourselves in a place of comfort and love.  As a funny side note, I've noticed that we have even started to dress alike.

We both had bad weeks for various reasons, so the night at home was just right. I'm just sorry that this stomach bug has gotten a hold on me. He's now off at work and I'm in bed resting. 

The surprise sickness altered the night to make it seem that much more real and domestic.  I hope that whatever is bothering me isn't an unwanted surprise baby. That's all we need right now with us both about to lose our jobs.  I'll need to go to the doctor soon; but I don't have health insurance, so it will be a day spent waiting I bed. Uh-oh.

Where is my husband?

I can't find him today and he's not answering his phone. This behavior is unlike him and I hope he's okay. It is our cozy domestic night tonight and I don't have the address of our new home in N. Liberties so I hope he gets in touch soon! Oh the worry........real worry about a real person in a fictional situation. Layers upon layers of complexity keep surfacing. 

tomorrow is Day Six; the complacent domestic day

It's become obvious, despite the name, that this project is going to have to extend past seven days. Ten, fourteen? I don't know. We just got so into ideas to insert that it just made sense to extend it and do it well. There are so many avenues to explore with this project, so many photos to take that we could really do it for a long time, but that would defeat the purpose of the capsule relationship wouldn't it? 

So, tomorrow we are at the stage where we don't need to look good for each other anymore because we are settled and comfortable into our marriage. Maybe we start to take the other person for granted a little bit, but mostly we are just peacefully sharing our new home together. 

I'll be looking to take as many domestic type photos as possible. 

I like how the momentum of the project is building with myself, with Zach and with other people's interest. I feel like Zach is starting to take a stronger role in planning now, as I know he felt like I was doing more of the work earlier (per his writing).  It's the give and take of a relationship. It's interesting that all of this planning and give and take is for the benefit of our conceptual relationship but occurs in our real relationship.

inside of my conceptual head

Thinking about this project is something akin to being in love because it takes up all of my extra brain power and time and it's often the most exciting thing I have to think about or talk about. 

Zach and I, in our real life relationship, usually only talk about our fictional relationship- planning and analyzing and such. 

I am more deeply involved with this than I had ever imagined I'd be. 

I want it to go places when the project is finished. It will be the real child of this relationship and I want to nurture it. 

two more comments I'm enjoying today

*I'm so fascinated by this. I wish I could've gone to the wedding. Looking forward to the divorce....

*as long as you don't conceptualize...which would make a whole NEW relationship possibility...8o)

*The conceptual relationship thing sounds interesting; I'm finishing up teaching a course on the sociology of intimacy and will talk to my students about the idea...relationships are fairly scripted anyway, conceptual or otherwise. The script can create the emotions in the 'proper' order....

Do people treat you differently when you are married vs. single?

I think the answer is yes, but I'm going to use the remainder of this project to really explore that. I was just thinking about all of the people we told that we were newlyweds and how we got a lot of 'oooohs' and 'aaahs'. People seem to love any sign of love or romance. 

At one point Zach and I were laying down resting after the wedding and I asked how real honeymoon couples act or what they do. I think we did a pretty good job, but who can be sure. 

I am pretty certain that if we were really married, Atlantic City wouldn't have been our choice of honeymoon locations. It was depressing people watching in the casino and very cold and windy at the beach. Did we appear any different than any other couple there? Probably not.

I really do wonder what defines the 'honeymoon couple'? I think it really just comes down to the time before the couple starts to fight. 

Not to give a total spoiler here, but I'm going to anyways. (Sorry Zach). 

We are figuring out when the next major milestone will occur which is an accidental pregnancy. Since time in this relationship is bent and twisted already, it could be as soon as Wednesday! Walking around pregnant is one thing I am dreading for fear of humiliation (with a balloon under my shirt!).  Because I don't want to have children myself, it will be very interesting to me to see how I am treated in public as a pregnant woman. I just hope no one tries to touch my belly balloon.  I think I'd like to wear a maternity suit but just don't know where to borrow one from. 

So, my goal this week is to take my husband out as much as possible and to refer to him as my husband as much as possible and really investigate how people's reactions vary from when I go out in real life with a real boyfriend. 

Daughter, Sister, Wife, Mother, end.

The slightly related Sophie Calle exhibit on now

I must go see this.

before I go to bed

I am exhausted from all of the anticipation for the wedding and festivities and I am relieved it's over. Now onto the nitty gritty of real life in a conceptual marriage......

The honeymoon photos you all are waiting for

It's a conceptual project, so please don't ask THE question. All the photos are in reverse order. 

the beginning of the wedding photos

Day Five Wedding/ Honeymoon extension

This was certainly a jam packed weekend. The party friday night. The wedding saturday and then the honeymoon. There is so much to write about I'm not even sure where to begin. For one, the wedding was really lovely, even though it was raining, cold and only one guest showed up. Mr. Will did a beautiful job with the ceremony and I managed to get some beautiful photos between my self-timer and my guest who attended. We did want a very private ceremony and that is what we got. I just regret that it was so cold outside where the ceremony was held. I was actually touched by the words chosen for the ceremony. Afterwards we created quite a stir in the Philly diner as we were still in our wedding clothes eating waffles. Because of our clothing, we were even allowed to substitute hashbrowns for breakfast meat since we are both vegetarians. (Though we were told it was a one time substitution). Marriage does has its benefits I guess. 

Soon after we changed and warmed up we drove down to Atlantic City to our Roman themed honeymoon motel room (with a heart shaped hot tub). It was exactly what I had imagined for this honeymoon and the photos I wanted to take. I am going to state right now, that what goes on between a husband and wife in the bedroom (conceptual or not) is private and will not be broadcast on this blog, though the photos may tell you a story once they are up.

I am getting used to calling Zach my husband now. We are fully enjoying the ups and downs of marriage; like me getting a flat tire today and him helping me out (or rather helping the homeless man out) changing the flat. He also got sick to his stomach last night, our honeymoon night, and I slept right through it. Oh, and to think just a little while ago we were just sharing a muffin. Things have progressed quite nicely and I'm looking forward to us moving in together this week for some domestic bliss. 

Much more to come on this weekend.....

Day Four Party Review

Last night was the combo party and it was obvious that is was mostly for the groom (since it was at his house and it was his friends and it was his birthday). There wasn't much wedding festivities but a lot of questions about the wedding or the project. Once kind woman brought me both a shower gift and and a bachelorette gift (see photos). The groom took it upon himself to take bachelor party traditions literally and to humiliate himself so he gave himself a ball and chain and had a shirt for people to write on. The stuff people wrote on the shirt was actually of a rather mean nature (see photos). It seems his friends don't approve of Zach getting married today.

I can't say I had fun at the party, but I appreciate the few of my friends who did show up and the people who were genuinely happy to meet the bride. 

Today is the wedding. I am up early due to anxiety and so I am choosing to blog with my time. It's definitely raining outside. As long as my dress doesn't get muddy, I don't care. I wonder if people will come. 

As as side note, the person marry us is actually ordained and I was worried for a moment if it would be official but then I remembered that we need a piece of paper for that so we're in the clear.  I can't believe I'm nervous! (I'm also very tired....)

*as a side note for those of you who are still confused: This is a conceptual relationship project, therefore it is NOT real. It is an experiential performance (though wedding gifts are still welcome). Smile.

Sopie Calle and this project

This work was recommended to me by a colleague. Does anyone know where I can find video footage? They seem entirely appropriate to this project. Attached is an image from her project "Fake Wedding" and a link to an interesting article about her work. The really interesting thing about this photo, which I just saw for the first time today is that I pictured our fake wedding on the steps of the Fischer Library at Penn tomorrow and it will be raining. Hmmm. An homage?

"Autobiographical Stories is the one with the "wedding;" the other related video, with road trip is Double Blind...she has a show in NYC I just read about...she invited a 100 women, from regular folks to forensic psychiatrist, to analyze an email from her ex-boyfriend ending their relationship ... at Paula Copper..."

Day Four- pre bachelor(ette) party

Tonight is the big party night before the wedding tomorrow. I am not really sure what to expect from a number of different things. I will be meeting his friends for the first time who have lots of questions about the project, so I'm not exactly sure how I will be received. At the same time, these people need to be in character to pretend to help me celebrate my own bachleorette party/ /bridal shower. I am also not sure how Zach and I are supposed to behave (in character or not) at the party considering it is also his birthday party. I imagine that we will, as usual, float in and out of character depending on the party event going on and what photos need to be taken.

It's funny that I'm supposed to be in love with this man who I am marrying tomorrow and that I have a crush on him instead. Maybe the crush is coming from being thrust into a scenario of having real and intense feelings. Maybe not.

Beyond worrying that the whole wedding goes smoothly tomorrow, I am already thinking ahead to the next stages in our relationship and wondering how many extra days it will take for us to live together, me to be pregnant, have the child, us fighting and getting divorced?

It would most definitely be more convenient in real life to know when the end of your relationship is coming to that you can schedule it like we are in this relationship.
I do in fact feel like I am in a relationship with Zach. We are in a A relationship which would most easily be defined as friends but we have the added complexity of the conceptual part which then makes us more than friends. Collaborators? Partners in crime? I don't know.

I can't wait to start shooting the party, the wedding, the honeymooon, etc. What fun for me to be both on the outside and inside.

conceptual love is....

Not having to deal with nasty in-laws
Calling a time-out when you need a break from the relationship
Total flexibility in the order of life events and having the ability to have a re-do
Shopping for things like babies
A collaboration about what comes next
Learning a year's worth of information about someone in a week
Meeting the other persons friends for the first time at the bachelor party
Making everyone guess if when we hold hands and act lovey, if it's acting or not
Being able to try on a persona to just make sure that our real personalities are the ones we like
Art

A blog about my conceptual blog

Thanks Philebrity.

wedding nerves

Everything is about to shift in this project once we get married on Saturday. (It's supposed to rain which for this conceptual relationship I suppose is a bad omen).
What I mean by that is that the pretending will be more intense because it will be situations that neither of us have been in before. It's possible that the emotional level could also be raised a notch and the photography aspect will definitely become more complex.

If we are stretching out time in our conceptual relationship, it was our year anniversary yesterday which translates to a week in real life. It actually feels like I've know him longer, probably because we spend so much time together. We saw a play in real time to celebrate, but also had to go over party/wedding/honeymoon details.

I hope that I can relax a bit and stop worry about planning this like it is real. I don't need the extra stress right now.
Who would have thought that this project would bring up so much real emotion, stress, etc.?
I should have known. I feel a little naive about not fully expecting it actually. No, I guess I knew; I just didn't know to what extent. I did write about it as one of my fears before beginning the project.

I thought I'd share some online comments about the project

*I wish I could officiate at this conceptual wedding. I think I'd be good at that. Or sing, "The Wedding Song" backwards or something... damn!

*Do you need a stripper?
10:55am
I'm also intrigued.
10:54am
I'm confused!!!
10:53am

*............I'm bursting with so many complex emotions about this!
.............Can I be your Best Flower Maid? I've been to like four weddings, I know what I'm doing.
...................I finally get to meet the lucky lady!

*Congrats
I'm sorry that I can't make it. Your gift is in the mail.

* Every wedding needs wedding crashers...
(ps- I saw you two at ................... although I was in mid-conversation with some dame or another and when I turned back around you were gone as if you had to quickly elope or something)

*Maybe you can find a conceptual brother to attend in my absence. :)

* I need a photographer for my conceptual wedding on saturday at noon. Anyone want to help out?
Mon 10:42pm · Comment · Like

............ at 10:57pm April 6
How about the conceptual honeymoon?

.................at 11:13pm April 6
Sorry I can't, would love to stand up for you and have a close up look at this event, but a product of my actual marriage is flying in for two days.

............. at 2:07am April 7
oh, man I wish I were closer. i love your project!

*Photos from the conceptual engagement: http://sevendayrelationship.blogspot.com/
Mon 1:54pm · Comment · Like
.................. likes this.

............. at 2:48pm April 6
Huge Congrats!!!!

................. at 2:54pm April 6
this is getting better and better.


*Day two photos and descriptions: http://sevendayrelationship.blogspot.com/
April 4 at 2:16pm · Comment · Like
............, ................., ................. and 2 others like this.

................... at 3:53pm April 4
You guys make a cute conceptual couple!

................... at 4:44pm April 4
This looks so dicey. On the practical side, do you have one of those camera extension arm things so you can take pictures of you too together?

bachelor/bachelorette party invite

When: Friday, April 10, 9:00PM

With his conceptual marriage to Ellie scheduled for high noon on this coming Saturday, Zach's 26th birthday coincides with his final night of freedom. Things are moving along so quickly for the young capsule relationship couple that four separate events have been scheduled to happen simultaneously in Zach's apartment on Friday night: Bachelor and birthday parties will be held for Zach, and Ellie plans to squeeze in a bachelorette party bridal shower to boot. Not exactly the sort of night we imagine you'd want to miss! We fully realize that there are lots of other events going on tonight aside from the four that are happening at Zach's house, so please feel to stop by, drop off your dinette sets, make some heavily sexual comments, slam a quick half-dozen Kahlúa shots, and be on your way. Free free to bring buddies. We might have a somewhat limited supply of alcohol since this wedding is costing us an arm and leg, so you're encouraged to bring back-up drinks. Speaking of the wedding, though... if you're nice,* we might invite you.

*Unfortunately, we cannot accept American Express or Discover cards at this time, so please plan accordingly.

more thinking

I think that doing this project two years after a real failed planned wedding makes me not want to ever do a traditional wedding ever again. It even makes me question if I would even marry. I don't want to be one of those people who ends up hating my husband and visa versa after years together. I am so interested in all of the real questions this brings up for me.

It is clear that we are both doing this project because neither of us fit into the traditional mold of marriage/house/kids/regular job/death. This is our way to see what it's like, sort of...
It reminds me why I don't want that in the first place.

Someone asked me if he will have conceptual relationships with other people after me. I don't know, but I'll have to ask. It seems kind of wrong for him to be doing that for some reason.

My interim thoughts

This morning when I went out to my car, I found a stroller sitting on it which my darling fiancee found in the trash. It's great that it's one less thing we have to buy now. In character I wonder why he would do such a thing if neither of us want children and we're not wed yet but out of character I think it's really great.

I have to work on my bouquet and figure out what else needs to be done before the wedding on saturday. I really hope I can get someone fantastic to take photos for us as I will otherwise be occupied.
Oh yeah, I need to print out the vows too. So much work!

Most of the feedback I've bee getting has been really positive and this feedback is mostly coming from artists who have some foundation in performance and conceptual work.
My brother apologized for not being able to come to the wedding but suggested I get a conceptual one in his place.
A (non-artist) male friend doesn't understand why this is art and thinks it's silly.
Another (non-artist) male friend doesn't understand how we can pretended for real, or be real and not pretend. That is a valid question.
It seems a lot of people want to know whether or not we will actually make the marriage 'official' on our honeymoon which I can only answer by saying that this is a conceptual project and to politely mind your own business. Everyone will see the photos afterwards.

Doing this wedding is making me want to actually share it with people I know and care about. It's another funny real reaction to a fake situation. Interesting...

as a side note

The speed and intensity of even this pretend relationship is tiring me out. I don't have my usual alone time to get work done in lieu of hanging out with someone I'll be divorced with in a week.

In character, I feel like I'm not effusive enough and it's more like we hang out as friends or say something lovey and giggle. The question is 'how real' and 'how far do we go'?

This project is also turing out to be more expensive than I had even considered with having to buy wedding/honeymoon/baby stuff. Today is a day off and so I'll appreciate my time to catch up a bit. 

Interval planning day

Today was a day not officially on the schedule but we realized it was necessary. Since we have decided to get married on saturday and it's monday now, we needed to prepare a number of things. Today we had a truly magical moment in the thrift store while I was desperately looking for a wedding like dress and all of a sudden one of the women working walked by with a dress and I asked her stop and asked how much it was. She said $5 and it's beautiful and probably from the 40s. Amazingly it fits too! (albeit a little tight in the ribs).

Then we had to buy rings.

Later we talked about the bachelor party which is also his birthday. These bachelor party things always sit oddly with me and this conceptual one is no difference. This is something something worth exploring in more depth some other time.

Finally, after we made our first dinner together, we found our wedding vows online.

Drum roll please: the wedding is saturday at noon at the Fisher Fine Arts Library at 220 South 34th St. Philadelphia PA (UPenn Campus).

Afterwards we will depart to the glamorous Atlantic City area for a honeymoon.

There is so much to think about, even for this conceptual wedding and it's unpleasantly reminding me of another wedding I planned which didn't occur. Sigh.

Photos from Day Three (the proposal)-pt. 3

More pre-engagement shots. I will write more later on this day. Today we are going shopping for wedding stuff and so on.

Photos from Day Three (the proposal)-pt. 2

The happy couple pre-engagement with flowers, wine and a beautiful spring day. Ahhh....

Photos from Day Three (the proposal)

The happy couple gets engaged.

Day Three

I am very sunburned from the gorgeous day in fairmount park today. It was a perfect spring day with all of the blossoms out and the japanese festival going on. It was a perfect day for conceptual romance.
We had a blanket, wine, a picnic, some affection for show, etc.
The absolute best part came when he proposed to me. There were a group of teenage girls in the gazebo where he wanted to do it and I told him to involve them, or at least ask them to move. He went up to them and said he was about to propose to his girlfriend and would they mind letting him use the gazebo and also helping to photograph the event and I heard a massive group squeal of joy when he asked this. They were so excited and so when I came over, the girls were beaming. I pretended I didn't know what was going on and that the girls were just taking our photos for us. Then he gave me a magnolia flower with my plastic ring inside and he got down on his knees. He asked, I said yes and the girls squealed some more and clapped. We hugged and so on for show. I heard one of the girls say that she felt good going home knowing she contributed to something. Another girls who was apparently videotaping it said she was going to put it on youtube. I hope she does and I can find it because that would add an even more interesting dimension to the project. Did I mention the girls were dressed as anime characters or something and one even had a tail? It was so weirdly perfect.

I took so many photos today, it's going to take me awhile to get them up here but I will as soon as I can. With the photos will come more description.

Tomorrow is potential ring shoping- or at least wedding supply shopping. We are talking about where/when/how to have the wedding now and what to do for the honeymoon.

Our time out conversations have been adding a very complex dimension as we are both finding that it's hard to be ourselves and pretend at the same time.

(pre) day three

Tomorrow is an exciting day in the project. It's the falling in love and proposing marriage day. We are going to the cherry blossom festival in Fairmount Park and I have my plastic engagement ring all set for him to propose to me with. These shots are ones in which I'm really excited about. The laying on a blanket with wine glasses in hand, the proposal, the blossoms, etc.
This is part of the build-up in the story which is pleasurable. I should enjoy it before things, per the script, go sour and we start arguing and then divorce. First thing is first though.

It seems funny to me that i"m trying to get to know this person in real life but in our alternate life, we are months or years ahead of ourselves. I think it is important to note that the amount of time passing in this fictional life is vague.

Again, what do I wear to look great for being proposed to? ;)

photos day two (out takes)

These too may be included, maybe not....

photos day two pt. 2

Again, in reverse order: the meal, the happy couple, the 'man paying for the meal', the couple and the finale for the evening; holding hands.

photos day two pt. 1

This is annoying: the photos are uploading in reverse order. I am trying to show the date chronologically. 

So, here we have me driving, the location, me waiting, and the date arriving at the table.

Day two

Date night was, well a date. It didn't feel any different than hanging out with any other person and eating a meal. I took a lot of photos which I will upload later. I am pretty happy with those as part of the narrative we are creating. We went to some galleries after and I never felt like I was in character the whole night. That is going to make the next stages even more difficult because we haven't established these characters who are about to fall in love, get married, honeymoon, have a baby and get divorced. It's clear to me that we have a lot of details to work out based on the amount of 'time out' time we spent talking about them and the 'relationship'. This kind of thing is like staging a play and out time outs are the rehersals.  For example, we need to think about honeymoon stuff, rings, baby stuff, where to live, how to stage intimacy etc.

Anyhow, I am excited about the photos from last night and nervous about the upcoming phases. 

I did experience something akin to jealousy which made me laugh because there is another woman he has or had been talking to about this and it made me feel oddly territorial. It this relationship simulation bleeding into emotional territory? I don't understand my response to the other woman being interested thing, but I guess it makes the relationship a little more real.

Another funny thing was that I listening to him on the phone referring to me as his conceptual girlfriend. I refer to him as my future ex husband.  Aw, pet names already. 

Doing this is exciting in many ways and I can see feeling left with a void when it's over.

(pre) Day Two

I am getting ready for date two and I am finding myself worrying about what I'm going to wear like it was a real date. Maybe what I'm wearing is too business-like and not 'sexy' enough for a date that is meant to smitten per the script. Am I worrying about this in character? I think so.

My other concern is whether or not to bring my heavy tripod with my camera bag as it's not exactly a cute date accessory. Ah, but it is part of the documenting aspect of this project so the answer is yes. I just wish I could remember whether or not I ever had a remote for my camera and if I did, where it is now....?

It's funny not really feeling in the mood to pretend to be romantic. I hope I can fall into character.

I wonder what we'll talk about? I'll try my best to recount the experience tonight or tomorrow. At least with the script in place, I know that there are no surprise intimate events and so I don't need to straighten up my house. Ha.

(day off)

Tomorrow is day two of the seven day relationship, which according to the schedule is the first date (as stereotypical as possible) with the possibility of holding hands at the end. He has written dinner and a movie, but I suggested dinner (with candlelight and wine) and then art openings for my own selfish reasons. This is where the real me diverts from the script. It IS first friday after all. 

Further down the line (in a few days) we will 'fall in love' , wed, have a baby, live domestically and eventually divorce. I was thinking it would be more impactful to live together for a day or two during the marriage AND to have a real baby to deal with. I'll have to see if anyone needs a babysitter.  All I can think about is my own visual script of potential successful photographs. 

I am starting to question why it is I'm getting involved with this project beyond mere curiosity and the potential to make an art project out of it. Maybe that's enough.

Day One

Today Zach and I officially began our 'seven day conceptual relationship' per his craigslist posting. We have talked about the script he posted and how we are to collaborate on this idea together to make it a joint art piece. My reservations so far have had to do with not know what to expect and not knowing how I am supposed to act; that is whether to be myself or be in a character. If I am myself, some things cannot happen like having a baby. If I am a character we can play the role of the normal couple...but I am not an actor, though I can act. I am afraid of feeling stupid during this project or even worse; having real emotions attached to the events. 

Now that I've met Zach I feel a little more confused because I find myself just being myself and forgetting to pretend that we've never talked or that I know anything about him at all. I think if this is going to work so that I can remain outside of it enough to document and write uninvolved, I am going to need to do a little acting here. I am going to have to play the part as a 'normal' version of myself.  I am going to need to be able to be more playful with this.

So, today he came into the coffee shop while a student was sitting next to me which I thought was inopportune, so I got up to drop off my mug and say hello. I think the line was 'have I met you before?'. I apparently foiled his plan to send a muffin to my table. How cute. 

The only thing that threw me off today is the he told me he was recording our conversation about an hour into it. I didn't say anything overly personal, but it would have been nice to know this before hand. 

My only other issue to figure out is how to document this photographically if we are in the moment and I am always involved in those moments. 

I wonder how often the switching from real to acting will occur?

I think I'll add photos for each day to each post when I upload them. Coming soon....